Social media is neither "social" nor "media"

With all the recent consternation about Facebook’s format change on top of Google+ opening its membership to the public this week, I thought I’d take a moment to familiarize the uninitiated with the nuances of major social networks:

Google+

Defining characteristic(s): You can compartmentalize people you don’t like into one group and call it “jerk circle.”

Reason(s) to stay: Google will own us all one day, anyway; Google is a funny word.

Reason(s) to leave: Hello? Is anyone there?

Twitter

Defining characteristic(s): People who think they’re funnier than they are. Celebrities. Celebrities who think they’re funnier than they are (this isn’t redundant; celebrities aren’t real people).

Reason(s) to stay: Having "followers" makes you feel like Jesus. Women saying things about oral sex they’d never actually say out loud. Charlie Sheen.

Reason(s) to leave: The hashtag lexicon and 140-character limit have added a new level of absurdity to webspeak, which is an already-absurd perversion of the English language. Soon street signs will be emoticons.

Facebook

Defining characteristic(s): Being "friends" with people who never talked to you in high school; format change every six months; Farmville.

Reason(s) to stay: Every new Internet meme, reposted by 37% of your friends. If someone on YouTube is taking a shot to the groin, you'll be sure to see it.

Reason(s) to leave: Being "friends" with people who never talked to you in high school; format change every six months; Farmville.